Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in graphicmatt's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
2:36 am	Being Something Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Hey guys, I’m blogging regularly now over at BE Something, a site very much like this one but with green in it. It’s there you’ll get to see my 2006 Top Ten Movies, my various thoughts on way too many TV shows, answers to all the latest livejournal quizzes and, of course, the long and metaphoric life essay. So go visit BE Something. I think you will be glad you did. Matt
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
5:01 pm	Your Official Guide to The Best Things Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. This site is on indefinite hiatus. It is on indefinite hiatus for several reasons. After writing some every week for two years, I am kind of out of ideas. Also, I am tired. As I am now a young, urban professional, with my student days behind me, it is well-past time to move on from noble, not-for-profit ventures like this site and instead roll the fuck on into a mountain of riches and jewels and money and more riches. Does this mean graphicmatt.com is dead? Of course not. Dead implies finality — an ending. Graphicmatt.com is merely changing. Like a caterpillar into a cocoon or Wilford Brimley into a Cocoon, great transformations are in store. This site is about due for a redesign and a change in direction and all of that will be happening before the year is out. Just not yet. In the meantime, I’ve got a few other project ideas kicking around in my head. Some of them are logical, like setting up a freelance writing company online and seeing what kind of results that gets me. Others are completely ridiculous and so destined towards failure that I hesitate to even mention them here. (So I won’t! I won’t mention my gnawing impulse to resurrect sports-den, or at the very least a sports-den-like site!) It’s not as if my current job leaves me a lot of free time towards these endeavours, but I have a really annoying entrepreneurial itch, and I doubt it’ll go away before I experience failure several hundred times. So we’ll try and get the first couple of failures out of the way as soon as possible. Before any of that, though, there’s still the matter of coming to terms with the past. What follows is an official index to The Best Things, a weekly column I started over two years ago, in the summer of 2004. It wasn’t always weekly, and it wasn’t always good, but it was there, time and time again — and, as I always say, being there is the best part of being. Whatever that means. Read the rest of this entry »
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
11:23 pm	TBT #100: The Forevermen Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. This is something positive! Like carnivals with cotton candy served not with contempt but with colloquial capriciousness, it’s all conveniently characteristic of something positive. That’s the way the world is today, True Believer, as Foreverman has finally defeated evil! That’s right, the villains have all been vanquished thanks to the vastitude of our valiant hero, Foreverman. And watch as the crowd roars in raucous approval of our hero, his work and a world free from pain. Watch as the hero himself emerges from behind the sun! Lit from behind he is a marvel! An icon! A champion for all mankind! The hero breathes deep, inhaling the effervescence of earth as he moves towards it. Home, he thinks, and smiles a perfect smile. His long cape flutters endlessly in the breeze and the crowd still cheers. Foreverman moves slowly for the first time in a long time, no longer hearing cries of torment or torture, pain or plight, damnation and death. There is only the peaceful praise of the public and, in the distance, the soulful sound of the sea. Yes, thinks Foreverman, the tireless titan of terrestrials, this is something positive. It was The Best Thing for July 27, 2006. Read the rest of this entry »
Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
10:56 pm	TBT #98: The First Half of 2006 in Review Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. I was driving home today and a song came on the radio and I liked it and so I drove around the block four times until it was over. Only then did I pull into my driveway. It was the sort of thing that seemed like the perfect metaphor for a good year: driving, good music, not wanting it to end, satisfying feelings! But the metaphor was a failure as the song was Blue October’s “Hate Me”, a stirring and overtly — perhaps purposefully — bad song about a guy who messed up his relationship with a girl because of his deep rooted love for drugs. I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again? Seriously, what the hell does any of that mean? I know it all sounds very dark and dreary and poetic but trying to follow the imagery results in headaches the size of Arizona. The first line is okay: he’s blocking out thoughts so he doesn’t lose his head. Thoughts are traditionally formed in the head so the image is cute. It’s like Baby’s First Poetic Image, all aww, look at you, you turned a phrase and then honey, get the camera, he turned his first phrase! So far, so good. But then he brings in the cockroaches. The thoughts are like cockroaches. Cockroaches in his bed! And, okay, that’s cliché, banal and a little gross, but it works. What follows, however, is babies. The cockroaches leave babies in the bed. Are these baby cockroaches? I don’t get the impression that they are. I would never refer to a young cockroach as a baby. They’re, like, larvae or something, probably. So I have the image of cockroaches just swarming this guy in his bed, leaving a bunch of babies around, all crying and whining and smelling, probably. Which, admittedly, would suck but the whole situation is kind of hard to relate to, you know? It just seems implausible that cockroaches would have access to multiple babies. And then, somehow, the babies drop little reels of tape. Or at least I think they do. It’s hard to figure out because before you know it there’s homestyle pornography entering the picture and this whole bug-and-baby-and-tape jamboree takes a dark turn. The rest of the song really doesn’t work, in light of this. Still, though, it was an acoustic version on the radio today, and I wanted to hear all of it. It was nice and there were violins. And even though it doesn’t really work as a metaphor for my year thus far, it still got me thinking about where I am, and where I’ve been, and the best things along the way. And goddamn if that isn’t a great idea for a column. Read the rest of this entry »
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
10:16 pm	TBT #97: Reader Mail Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. It’s about time for The Best Things to come to an end. Clearly the writer lacks motivation, what with his newly-found bizarre dedication to nine-day-long weeks and meandering stories typed out between the Seinfeld rerun at 9 p.m. and the other Seinfeld rerun at 9:30 p.m. I’ve long planned to stop doing this at the hundredth edition, but now that that’s actually close I’m struggling with how to end this. I have a deep appreciation for spectacular things — fireworks, novelty-sized fruit, child contortionists that can shoot bow-and-arrows with their feet with deadly accuracy, etc. — so it’s only natural that I would strive for something spectacular in capping off this column. But, really, what could be a worthy ending for nearly two-years of thrills, spills, ills, and so on? I do not yet know the answer to that question. But luckily I have three weeks to think of something. Until then, I’ve decided to devote this week’s column to reconnecting with my readers. As such, it’s time to open up the reader mailbag, and tackle some of the hard-hitting questions sent to me in response to the past couple of years. You’d be a fool not to read it. A damn fool. Read the rest of this entry »
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
12:05 am	TBT #96: Little Secret Earthquakes Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. It was soon after he dropped the plate that she stood in the centre of the kitchen and said the words that changed his life. The plate didn’t break; it only cracked. That’s the sure sign of a well-made dish. Read the rest of this entry »
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
10:42 pm	TBT #95: Countdown to Infinite Crisis Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. My life is ridiculous and I think it important that everyone know exactly how it’s ridiculous. The past week alone has been an incredible cornucopia of bizarre events. It’s like each bizarre event was a petal on some sort of strange flower — the strangest flower of all time — and then, all at once, some young child blew a mighty gust of air at that flower and the petals came flying off and drifted through the air and then landed on my head all at once. Where I once was a socially-ignorant, casually-inept, generally-unkempt young adult who had no idea where his life was going, I am now a socially-ignorant, casually-inept, generally-unkempt young adult with a CAR. And a JOB. And accolades! That’s right: I have accolades! I really don’t like to use this site to brag, and I really hope this update doesn’t come off that way, but I think it important to illustrate just where I am in my life right now and all that brings with it. Only then will you understand the mindset of this man who has written, over the past month, stories about Russian novelists, a made-up religion, a girl with (probably) a clotting disorder, and a timeless superhero who beats a homeless man to death. I actually wanted to use this update to write about Sir Charles Tupper, but found myself distracted by thoughts on my current lot in life and also my various accolades. So instead of a story that was to include some sort of metaphor about the shortest-reigning prime minister, you get to read about me. And accolades. My accolades. The ones given to me. It will be the Best Thing for Sunday, June 18, 2006. Read the rest of this entry »
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
11:44 pm	TBT #94: Nineteenth Century Russian Novelists Discuss Life’s Little Things Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Oh man. I have this idea. This great idea. I am tired of writing things that are low-brow. I mean, hell, guys, do you realize how easy it is to write about people in a relationship? It’s just all whine whine whine and then you’re done. You — yes, you — could write that sort of thing if you ever tried. That’s the sinister truth about creative writing: it is ridiculously simple. Writers just try to make it sound complicated by using big words like protagonist, denouement and arc. (Which mean guy, end and stuff, respectively.) And also by making esoteric (”obscure”) allusions (”references”) to old poems and stories and Shakespearean soliloquies (”poems”) and such. They dress up creative writing to the point where it becomes complicated and thus somehow prove their talent in front of an audience of, like, eight people. Because there are only eight people that want to read a story about the time a young girl’s father patched her ripped pants after a day riding horses in the field that contains reference to Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon, Kafka’s The Trial and Broderbrund Software’s Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?. And I want to do that too, is what I’m saying. I am sick of writing for schmoes who like dialogue and character and even plot. From now on I will primarily write for the purpose of subtly illuminating my thoughts on sections of Finnegan’s Wake. And not the easy sections, either. The hard ones. Where they’re all like “aeiii ouvere the fountaines in fa’l d’ye se’ this, boy? We ain’ s’e ‘rish nah minotaur.” That stuff is fucking awesome. I’m going to write a story where, like, two guys talk about Joyce and then one of them descends into madness and the other questions the apostrophe (he’ll be all ” ‘? ” if that makes any sense, and I think it does) and then the ground will open up and swallow them both and Virgil will be there wearing a a sash made from the flag of Ireland and doves will skim across the River Styx and then it’ll just end. But it won’t be “The End” it’ll be “The End?” because that’s a very provocative way to end a story, even one about James Joyce and Finnegan’s Wake. But that’ll be later. I gotta work my way up to that. First, I’ve decided to write a story about a bunch of Russian novelists hanging out and discussing their lives because that sounds like an award-winning idea if I ever heard one. It’s called “Hephaestus in Kiev”, a reference to Russian poverty and political struggles and also the google search I just ran on “Greek Gods.” Read the rest of this entry »
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
11:44 pm	Ideally, Part III Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. I am a cliché standing in the rain. My cell phone battery died when the thunder started. I pulled off the highway with thick white hail pounding on the hood of my car, the windshield whipers whining against the glass. The world made a sound like drums. Finally, I thought, I get to give up. I get to turn back and go home. I couldn’t drive, not in this weather, and my cell phone was dead, giving me no way to contact the boss. At last I had good reason to give up his stupid quest. And so I laughed, pulling into the nearest parking lot as the sky lit up electric. This was the worst job I ever had. But then I heard the church bells, their clamor a contrast to the thunder. The hail cleared, giving way to the kind of rain that inspires rain sticks, a light shower of drops that sound like fingers rapping rhythmically against a table. Now I could see the building next to me: an ornate church with confused architecture, a gothic spire atop a square stone building with plastic-looking awnings, and a large simple sign reading “Chronology.” I swore under my breath. This is where I was supposed to be. And now I stand, depressed in the rain: pathetically, fallaciously, riding on the fumes of hope that here I would find ideas. Read the rest of this entry »
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
11:20 pm	TBT #93: Blood Loss Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Wendy stands on milkcrates when her phone starts to ring. She’s reaching up to get to the top shelf of the supply closet, looking for extra duotangs. The cell phone vibrates against her leg and startles her: her hand snaps to her side, her weight shifts back, she almost falls. But then she catches herself, digging her hand against the jagged metal edges of the supply shelf and pulling herself forward. She sighs deeply, grimacing in pain, and then laughs to herself, as you do when you narrowly avoid serious injury. She answers the phone quickly, now out of breath. It’s a voice she has not heard before. Richard was Wendy’s first boyfriend. She dated guys before him, and even called some of them ‘boyfriend’, but that was high school and, for people like Rich and Wendy, high school doesn’t count. She was a red-haired girl with thin straight hair and freckles that stood out to her more than they did anyone else; he was a short guy with a buzzcut and glasses with a loud nasal voice that never seemed to stop. He was popular from the start. Read the rest of this entry »
Monday, May 29th, 2006
10:20 pm	The Friday Five on Monday Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Hey, apparently there is a livejournal community devoted to doing quizzes every Friday. People post five questions and then everybody answers them. It is pretty boring! Most of the questions are stupid and about food or sex or urination. And, sure, all those things are pretty much integral to a happy life and also happen to be, in that order, the ingredients of a great first date, but still, I don’t really want to be answering those kinds of questions on this site. As weird as it may seem, I do have standards for this site, and as such I will not just write anything — there will be no content about sex or urination! And very little about food. And also I try to use the words ‘cocksucker’ and ‘motherfucker’ only rarely, because that just seems like the right thing to do, now that some of my relatives are reading. In any case, amongst all of the stupid quizzes, I found this one, which is pretty decent. I wish I had more to give you, honestly, but this month has been a crushing juggernaut of a piledriver, with each day being long. And also there have been twists and turns and new developments! As a result, I have very few ideas these days. Today I was driving home and saw a sign that said “Mechanic’s Wanted.” And I was pretty disgusted at first because, Jesus, if there is anything I hate as much as child slavery or Digimon, it is people who think you use an apostrophe to pluralize something. But then I realized that I can sort of empathize with the guy who made that sign: I bet he doesn’t have any ideas either. I bet he laboured for weeks, trying to think up a great idea for a sign that would attract Mechanics to this business but ultimately came up with nothing. So he stuck the sign up as is, using the fucking apostrophe because, well, he had the letter just lying around. I totally understand him now. I’m almost there myself. But at least I have quizzes to fall back on. Read the rest of this entry »
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
11:51 pm	Swing Life Away Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Hey, I started watching Big Love because Caroline told me that, like, half the cast of Veronica Mars was on it. And, you know what? She was right. It is a pretty good show so far, though I’m still finding it hard not to be all “Mac, stop being a mormon!” and “Beaver, stop talking about boners!” I also have pictures for you today. These are, in fact, the last set of pictures from King’s College, completing a series that began four years ago with this series of photos. And geez have we all come a long way or what? I am very proud of all of us. We went from the vulgar and distasteful practice of crotch shots to become oh so very distinguished and intrepid. And far less blurry. The following document my favourite Mike’s birthday party, some grad stuff and I even included some stills from the grad video. Well, from the beginning of the grad video. I was planning on capturing a lot more but watching the thing is just unbearably boring. Seriously, I’m not sure how we all sat still for that speech on Global Warming: it’s unbearable. It’s the kind of boring that makes me want to believe in spontaneous human combustion. But these pictures are not boring at all! So click! And view! Read the rest of this entry »
Friday, May 26th, 2006
11:28 pm	X-Men: The Last Stand Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. I don’t exactly know what these X-Men were Standing up against, for allegedly the Last time, but my first guess would be staying alive. Because there sure is a lot of death in this movie. And darts. It was actually a better movie than I expected it to be, as my expectations were hideously low. I liked the parts with Frasier, because he was a fantastic Beast, and also some of the parts with Xavier and Magneto — the scenes before and after the credits (make sure you stay!) are pretty creative. But lots of things sucked, too! Like how the movie was shorter than X2: X-Men United (which is maybe the best superhero movie ever) despite having about nineteen more characters and four-times more plot. And also how a good portion of the already short running time was devoted to landscape shots of the Canadian countryside. Or how nothing really makes any sense, when you think about it. If I could fly and needed to get to an island out in the middle of the ocean, I would just fly me and my friends there. I would not, say, rip up the golden gate bridge and move it in a grand “Look at me! I’m about to commit EVIL!” gesture. But I’m more of a subtle megalomanic than Magneto is, I suppose. In the end, though, X-Men: The Last Stand was an important movie because it really made me think. Mostly about how I would probably never go ice skating after a funeral, because I can’t think of a context in which it doesn’t seem disrespectful. A man just died; you can keep your skates in the closet for a while longer. Do people actually have overwhelming urges to go skating? It just doesn’t seem like the kind of activity that would inspire such feelings. But then I thought about sporting activities that would be appropriate after a funeral. And there aren’t any, I don’t think. I could even quibble with something as innocuous as shuffleboard. There are definitely degrees of offensiveness, though. I’d say, for example, that bowling is far more appropriate post-funeral than, say, skating. And skating is more appropriate than waterskiing, which is, in turn, way more appropriate than base-jumping, skeet shooting or graverobbing. The latter of which is not really an athletic activity. But it probably does get the heart rate going. So anyway. X-Men: The Last Stand is an okay movie. Lots of things explode and several people get stabbed, gutted, maimed and otherwise hurt by sharp things. At one point several people disintegrate. At another a house flies through the air. If these things appeal to you, so will X-Men: The Last Stand! But be advised that that scene in the trailer where Wolverine is all “There’s a war out there, do you understand that? You might not come home. She might not come home. Are you ready for that?” is not actually in the movie. So if you’re a big fan of that line and the way Hugh Jackman says home, be prepared for big disappointments. Rating: Two stars! Out of a mystery number of stars!
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
11:47 pm	When I’m Gone Just Carry On Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Hey, my brother has “When I’m Gone” by Eminem on his playlist. Have I mentioned before how fantastic I think this song is? I’m not even sure if my love for it is ironic anymore. I’ve always had a weird affinity for Eminem’s more ’serious’ songs. Like Stan, Cleaning out my Closet and that one where he sings to his daughter. That stuff just appeals to me at a ridiculous level. The level where I crave nothing but emotion and wish everything was just a little bit more melodramatic, I guess. And “When I’m Gone” has everything I look for in a melodramatic Eminem song. Coupled with that great fucking video where the daughter is rapping and Eminem just wakes up in Sweden for some reason, this is clearly one of the greatest artistic achievements of this young century. I got a car today. It is black and has a sunroof. I like to open the sunroof and then drive fast so that my hair gets blown about and ends up all poofy. This car will end up costing me a significant amount of money in the future but, for now, I like it. If anyone needs a ride anywhere, just let me know. I can take you. My car has four doors and a sizable trunk. My car also has a radio and a CD player that will allegedly hold six CDs at once. It also has a glove compartment. I think it would be funny to actually keep gloves in there. Now I have to learn how to take care of a car. Here are some car-related things I know nothing about: oil, pistons, gears, wiper fluid, tire pressure, alignment, break pads. This owning a car thing could be so disastrous.
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
11:18 pm	The Chinese, Germans and Portuguese (maybe), respectively Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. My mouse broke. This is really very terrible. It actually broke about a week and a half ago. I think I dropped it too many times. I’ve dropped that mouse weekly for almost three years. In any case, I’ve been stuck using my trackpad since and I dislike it. But attempts to find a new mouse have been wildly unsuccessful. I need a mouse with six programmable buttons beyond left- and right-click. Most mice just have five. Don’t ask me why I need six buttons; it’s complicated and involves a variety of nerdish explanations. Just trust me when I say that five buttons is entirely unacceptable. I’d never get my important work done. I think this is the main reason I am kind of sad these days. And also maybe because my entire life has changed rapidly and a bunch of really awesome people are now very far away. But mostly it is the mouse thing. Is six programmable buttons really too much to ask? I guess I will try at Staples tomorrow. You may have noticed the title of this entry. If you did, good on you. You’re great at noticing things. A regular Noticey Noticson of the LOOK! Brigade. What would impress me even more, however, is if you figured out that the title is a direct reference to three high-profile shows that had their season finales this week. Truly anyone with that kind of deductive reasoning ability is destined for greatness in either the lucrative private investigation business or in the equally lucrative smart-ass-who-works-retail-and-makes-sarcastic-comments-all-the-time industry. And in either case, you watch too much TV. But so do I. And I’ll even review it for you. There are spoilers for 24, House and Lost beyond this link. Read the rest of this entry »
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
10:54 pm	More Ridiculous Things Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Hey check it: I don’t have time for you anymore. I’m a working man. I work every day at my job. Or at least I will, if today was any indication. This requires getting up early and driving on a highway. These things are very draining. They sap my creativity! And as such I am unable to write anything more than dialogue and bizarre half-ideas. So in lieu of today’s update, please enjoy these links to fake movie trailers, my new favourite thing. Fake Movie Trailers 10 Things I Hate About The Commandments Titantic II The Surface Toy Story 2: Requiem Must Love Jaws C is for Cookie Shining Sleepless in Seattle I realize these are kind of lowbrow and obvious (some of them) but still I think they are the funniest thing around. Though my love for them sort of reminds me of that week where I thought MXC — that show with all the asians getting hurt on Spike TV — was the greatest. That totally didn’t last. Post your favourite! Matt
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
11:45 pm	TBT #92: The Watchers Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. We watch the people in the park while sitting on a cast-iron bench near a pigeon-stained statue of a noble man whose name I never learned. We’ve come there for years but I’ve never bothered to read his description on the plaque. The red bricks beneath our feet are inscribed with the names and messages of other, more mindful, people from the city, the ones that feel a sense of civic duty and charity and pride. They support endeavours like this park and other parks; we just sit and watch, feeling warm air on our faces, listening to the sound of birds, the blue sky above us drifts forever towards tall buildings and hillsides and other things far off. The world goes by in technicolour. Early summer is like that. Winter ends and spring goes by and people finally are able to shed their bulky snow coats and slick raingear and revel in colourful ridiculous tacky things. Most move quickly, carrying briefcases and bags, balancing coffee mugs and fast food bags in their hands, looking uncomfortable in formal-wear. Others move more slowly, walking in pairs, draped in too many shopping bags, letting them hang off their arms like weeping willows. They’re often messes of cell phones and iPods, tangled in headphones and wires, drifting lightly over the sidewalk. But then there are the ones that don’t move. The ones that pause and sit and stare up at the pigeon-stained noble man in bronze. These are the ones we focus on, sitting far back on our bench, my leg just barely touching yours, my arm resting behind your back. Read the rest of this entry »
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
11:37 pm	Home Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Late post tonight. The site was down and just came back now. I will edit the timestamp so that no one will ever know, however. I am so devious it hurts sometimes. I miss Halifax. I miss everyone. They shut down the Arby’s near my house. What a terrible way to start the summer. I loved that Arby’s. It was my favourite place to get slow-cooked roast beef sandwiches. What am I supposed to do now? Starve, I guess. Further, it’s not even really summer, is it? I mean, it is, because that’s the season, but it’s not, because this isn’t some four-month break where I do whatever for a while before going back to school. This is just my life. And I am living it. Without an Arby’s nearby. What kind of bullshit is that. I start work on Tuesday. Tomorrow I think I will see The Da Vinci Code. I don’t really know a lot about the movie. I think it is about anagrams and Jesus — and maybe ghosts? I think I saw a ghost in the preview — so that will be pretty good. I have some fantastical things planned for this site over the coming week, including: Some story called ‘The Watchers’ about people who watch other people and also say things about those people! Pictures! Of Grad! And other things! General sappiness and writings indicating my longing for my Halifax life that is now done. Profanity! My thoughts on the new X-Men movie! And the season finale of 24! And House! (Why would House punch his best friend Wilson? The preview for this episode is so confusing! House loves Wilson.) Startling insights! Laced with profanity! But all of that stuff will come later. Because right now I am so tired. Matt
Saturday, May 20th, 2006
11:15 pm	Blaaaah Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. This is the post of the month wherein I am far too drunk to post anything. I am so so sorry. I really cannot believe I am typing this much. This is my last night in Halifax.
Friday, May 19th, 2006
11:37 pm	Looked at Clouds From Both Sides Now Originally published at graphicmatt. Please leave any comments there. Wow. Wow. All through last night I kept saying ‘This is such an epic day!’ Except I’d put a lot of emphasis on epic so that I would sound like a douchebag. I said it a lot. I bet it was annoying. But it was true! From the day’s humble beginnings wherein I woke up far too early and determined that, no, I do not need to iron my dress shirt to the heady heights of the middle, waving a $30,000 paper tube in the air like a sword, filled with strange glee, to the day’s end, walking home with what felt like iron feet, way too tired for everything, cursing the invention of stairs: epic. So epic in fact that it is impossible to capture in paragraph form! I will post pictures later, but I do want to make clear just how much I learned from this graduation ceremony. Looking at it objectively, the day of my graduation may have been the most enlightening of my university tenure. Here are some things I learned: How to pin a fur-lined hood onto a graduation gown. Sorta. I mean, no one really seemed to understand how to do this, but I think in the end we all knew more about pinning fur-lined hoods onto graduation gowns than we did beforehand. The trick, I found, was to stand still and get a girl to do it for you. There are only three songs that can be played on a bagpipe, and none of them are “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.” The bagpipe player who led us down the street in a giant processional stuck to the bagpipe standards. That cat was nowhere near as fast as lightning. You will get very very hot standing in a fur-lined gown in a room filled with 250 other people in fur-lined gowns. Don’t even think you won’t. It’s impossible. Some parents are absolutely rabid about getting their child’s picture, especially on graduation day. These parents are utterly oblivious to the fact that there are only so many emotions and actions available to graduating students in long flowing robes. (”Look, honey, in this one you look happy! And in this one you look uncomfortable! And in this one you’re kind of shifting nervously! And in this one you’re glaring at me like you want me to leave!”) 1 If your graduation ceremony is being captured on video tape, and you are sitting towards the front of the class, you are on camera the entire time. The camera will capture you doing things like staring into space, laughing inappropriately, playing an imaginary drum with your rolled-up degree, pretending your degree is a telescope and trying to murder the honourary graduates with your eye lasers. Video of all of this will be available to all parents after the ceremony. You will be the star. God, I wish I had realized this sooner. Look, I understand it’s appropriate to be a little goofy up on the stage once you’ve accepted your degree. Stick your tongue out or do a little dance or something. But pretending to hit a homerun with your degree? Too far! Latin is a dead fucking language and if they keep trying to bring it back I swear to God I will put another bullet in its head personally. Don’t be smug and think your last name is simple enough that there is no way they’ll mess up the pronunciation. The inept official reading the names who almost gave me a law degree will find a way to get it wrong. There’s a whole litany of Gast-ohns, Kojickis, Bayslers and Patés providing exactly that. The period directly after the graduation when all of the parents and students congregate on the lawn outside the church? You will be so confused throughout all of it. You know what, after four years in Halifax, you do kind of like seafood. Missing out on the morning routine makes getting through the night hard. Stupid games are ridiculously fun. Like, you know that game where you say a memory to a person, wait for their reaction, then point at them accusingly and scream “NOSTALGIA!”? That game I invented just last night? It is really fun. You graduated. You might as well dance. And, almost 15-years-later, the jump-up-and-down dance to Smells Like Teen Spirit is still the best showcase of your moves. Everyone who’s Anyone knows the words to the opening part of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” I could argue for the repeal of drunk driving laws. You know, if I wanted to. I’ll never sleep enough to completely recover from this day. It’s over now. I don’t know how to feel about that yet. But this? This was a good day. An epic day. Alpha Step, Omega Step, Sigma Step, Matt For the record, my parents are not like this. [back]